Perfectionism is often viewed as a pursuit of excellence, but in reality, it rarely leads to perfection. Instead, it frequently spirals into people-pleasing and exhaustion. When left unchecked, this cycle can evolve into anxiety, stress, and ultimately burnout. So, why do so many of us strive for perfection? For many, it’s rooted in past trauma and shaped by societal, familial, and environmental pressures.
According to the paper The Multifaceted Nature of Perfectionism: Causes, Impacts, and Interventions by Rakhitha Rajapakse, perfectionism stems from various sources: genetics, psychological challenges, and critical or high-expectation parenting styles. The demands for success in our society add to this burden, fuelling a drive to meet impossible standards. This internalised pressure divides perfectionism into two types: adaptive and maladaptive. While adaptive perfectionism can help us organize and pursue our goals with purpose, maladaptive perfectionism is the path to overwhelm. By demanding flawlessness and refusing to accept mistakes, maladaptive perfectionism can lead to adverse mental health outcomes, including anxiety, depression, and burnout.
Perfectionism’s Impact on Relationships
In relationships, perfectionism makes us fear vulnerability, stopping us from showing our authentic selves to our partners. This tendency fosters unrealistic expectations and often leads to harsh criticism—a trait identified by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute as one of the primary predictors of relationship breakdown. When we expect perfection in others, any deviation from that ideal can be met with criticism rather than empathy or understanding. This critical attitude erodes trust and connection, damaging the foundation of any partnership.
By masking our vulnerabilities with perfection, we limit our ability to connect with others. Authentic relationships require acceptance of flaws, both in ourselves and in our partners. Perfectionism, on the other hand, keeps us in a constant state of judgment, creating distance instead of closeness.
Perfectionism in the Workplace
Perfectionism also hinders growth in the workplace. Rather than entrust tasks to colleagues, a perfectionist often takes on more and more, convinced that only they can “get the job done right.” This habit not only leads to exhaustion but can also inhibit teamwork and skill-sharing. The fear of mistakes becomes a barrier, keeping perfectionists from delegating tasks and fostering collaboration. Over time, this isolated approach results in burnout, impeding both personal growth and workplace relationships.
Breaking Free from Perfectionism
So how can we manage these perfectionist tendencies in a healthy way? Below are some practical strategies for developing a balanced approach to goals and relationships:
Set Realistic Goals: Adjust your expectations to match what is realistically achievable. Aim for growth, not perfection.
Practice Self-Compassion: Embrace imperfection as a natural part of life. Self-compassion allows us to appreciate the learning process rather than focus solely on the outcome.
Challenge Perfectionistic Beliefs: Notice when self-criticism arises. Ask yourself, “Would I hold others to these same impossible standards?”
Build Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Adopt mindfulness-based techniques, which have been shown to reduce stress and increase emotional resilience. Practices like ACT Therapy, which focus on accepting imperfections and aligning actions with personal values, can help reshape the perfectionistic mindset.
If you’re finding that perfectionism is impacting your relationships, work, or personal well-being, consider reaching out for support. I specialise in helping individuals break free from the cycles of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and burnout. Together, we’ll explore the origins of these behaviours, develop strategies for self-compassion, and work toward a healthier, more balanced approach to life.
Don’t let the need for perfection hold you back from meaningful connections or your true potential. Reach out today, and let’s begin the journey toward self-acceptance and a life that values progress over perfection.
References
Rajapakse, Rakhitha, The Multifaceted Nature of Perfectionism: Causes, Impacts, and Interventions (July 18, 2024), http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.4898819.